Miss you
by HaneGaNai
Summary: There will be a day when I'll have you like you had me for all those past nights. When I'll stop acting like the good, obedient Horse you want me to be. When I'll be your King. Not him.


**Betaed by FreakinMi**_**. **I'm so sorry I made you read that much angst. Twice. Hope you'll have more fun with the next fic._

_**A/N:** so yeah, it probably doesn't make any sense. I just sat down on my ass, used 2 drabbles I wrote some time ago and the result is here for you to see. A sort of answer to Lanamax Kurosaki's request (but there will be another Ichi/Dark Ichi thing at some point in time)_

_**Pairing**: none, everything is one-sided_

_**Warning**: OOC-Hichigo (and I doubt I'll ever get him right); I'd say grammar, but God is taking care of that part ;]; and major randomness_

_**Disclaimer**: I own nothing but the rambling_

--

I could miss you without end.

You, with your eyes looking up towards the sky. Reflecting the sky in their hazy brown. Being like the sky for me. Everything has meaning when I see myself in them. I have meaning. For that single moment. When you come to accept my existence.

You, wielding gentle words. Melting me like wax. Grazing my cheeks. Lips, when you hold me close. Mingling with my breath. Our breaths.

You, so subtly warm. Your light, gentle touch. Which never leaves me uncovered. In the lurch of a cold night. Because in all those moments I'm not supposed to be me.

You, so distant. Silent. Accepting my closeness. Never pushing me away. But also never initiating.

You, who I don't have. Who I won't have. Can't have. You won't allow me yourself.

It's a bittersweet kind of longing.

Longing, which feeds the daily hunger for love. Which enables dreaming and hope. Which gives the closeness I long for. The warmth of mingled breaths. The whispers lost in skin. The rustle of rumpled bed sheets.

But maybe I'm only deceiving myself.

You're here. Lying by my side.

Your warm breath washes over my neck.

Your head deposited on my shoulder – you fell asleep lulled by your own heartbeat, as I don't own one.

Your soft orange hair. Scattered. With which I like to play so much. When you're not aware.

You're here, yet I don't know where you went. You're coming back to me only in the moments of incoherent bliss, when you push yourself so far inside me I can't tell if we're separate bodies anymore. You notice me at the edge. But we're never coming down together – instead, you go back deep inside yourself. Taking with you everything I have to offer. Deriving me.

And even though I'm not the one you want. Even though, you wouldn't notice if I weren't there. I won't go away.

There will be a day, when I'll grab your hand and take you with me. I'll take you down. To a world where I'll be the only one for you.

I'll bury you deep within me.

Until I'll become the only one.

--

There will be a day when I'll have you like you had me for all those past nights. When I'll stop acting like the good, obedient Horse you want me to be. When I'll be _your_ King. Not him.

All the disgusting feelings I now posses are the reflection of those you have. A messed up reflection. And your angst seems to be contagious. I'd ask you, how it is possible for a Hollow like me to have feelings. Especially since I never had a heart. But I won't. I'm yours.

I long for you like you long for him. I crave your touch, just like you crave his. But you have me. In a way he won't ever have you.

I'm a substitute. I'm a doll used when your longing feels out of control. When you can't suppress it any longer.

I'm used by you to forget. And I'm used by you to make your heart throb painfully with guilt. You believe that I don't care what you do to me, as long as I feel good – we share the same urges. You want to believe that I'll never feel hurt. And I won't tell how it really is. You're trying to convince yourself, that those feeling you have for him shouldn't exist. Because he is your _friend_. Your comrade. He is _not_ for you to love. But no matter how hard you try to convince yourself, to fight your heart, those emotions still exist.

Those emotions that make you stutter whenever he's too close. That makes you lose your cool. That make your heart beat agonizingly fast with every accidental touch. That makes you long for him, crave his body. That makes you want, need, love, lust and – the worst of them all – have this tiny bit of hope.

I'm playing his role despite all. I don't even resemble him the slightest. His hair is blood-red and long, mine is white and short. His skin is tanned where mine is horrifyingly pale. His eyes, so bright and alive. Mine mostly black. And lifeless. So _dead_.

I never asked why it has to be me. Because I know. I'm there. I never asked you to stop. And never will. Even though it pains me somehow. Even though it won't ever stop raining in your Inner World and Zangetsu's always bitching about it. No. Because the more you're hurt. The more it puts you down. The more you long and love. The weaker you are. The stronger I get. And there will come a day when the Horse becomes the King.

The suffering I'll go through with you doesn't matter. I'm not you. And although I never had feelings before – or because of that – they won't make me weak. I'm not you. I won't let them take over and rule my world. I'm not you. I won't ever love. I won't ever long. I'm not you. I won't ever grab for what's out of my reach. I won't ever hold back. I'm not you. And that's why I can have _you_.

I'm allowed to miss you - you're a part of me. I'm allowed to be used by you - you're the King. You're allowed to have me - you're my King. All until the day the roles change.

I'll lash out at you from time to time so you'll keep your stance. So you'll remember I have my own will. So you'll know that I'm still led by anger, by the will to rule, to win. I'll fight with you so you'll know I'm still there. I'll bite. I'll tease. I'll hurt you. I have my own way of comforting you.

--

The more you hurt, the more I hurt. Even though it shouldn't be so. I'm a Hollow. A _Hollow_. And Hollows _don't_ feel. _They should not feel_.

--

I can feel your heart, you know? I can feel how it struggles under my fingertips begging to set it free. It's pumping blood faster and faster, the level of adrenalin rising. Breath hitched, rushed, almost abandoned. I can feel how you're struggling beneath my palm. Towards me, far away from me. Undecided. I can feel you. Your every thought. Every feeling. I'm reading them. Reading you. You. Though you can't read me.

How long will your heart be able to stand the tempo we set? How long will it keep gaining speed? Will it manage? Will it make it? Will you make it? How long can I keep struggling within it losing you and finding you again, losing and getting back? How long will your heart remember that it wasn't mine?

Feel the one you gave me, don't be scared, go ahead. Feel how fast it beats. How it trembles from effort. How it loses its rhythm. How it falls down, trips in its rush wanting to catch up with yours. How it falls, breaks and stops, being unable to... Being unable to reach yours.

Feel how I fall together with my heart. You can see it, right? You can see how my eyes become even darker. How they become dull, how my breath dies, how my body grows cold. You _can_ see and you _know_.

You can _see_ because you're holding my heart in your hands still dripping with blood. But can you _feel_?

I wonder.

Would you miss me like I miss you? Without end? Would you miss me like you miss him? With so much pain?

I won't ever become the King.

And I can't be the Horse anymore. So. Whisper sweet nothings into my swollen, bloodstained lips. And bite my soul off.

And could you please shed a single tear for me?


End file.
